This one was spontaneously written while wandering aimlessly in a neighbourhood park a few weeks ago. Contains my musings and experience on the real issue plaguing almost every individual- not wanting to work and what follows along, coming from a first hand perspective. Long due so here it is.
Not having tried our best, not having worked hard when we knew we could but more importantly, when we knew we should and could, and doing so throughout our lives, in every endeavour we undertake, every passive and active activity we mentally, physically, psychically and emotionally engage in, we feel and get trapped in a life of mediocrity. But why is it that folks do this? Why when in their childhood they were the complete inverse of the very thing they have become and exhibit now? Why dethrone yourself from being a king, why abdicate it and enthrone a dead skeleton of a highly predictable consumerist animal ? The external reasons are very clear- outright conditioning at all stages of life, which also is the inner reason, but here I’m just trying to feel put to words our part — the part we commit to, when moments of decision arise and we are at the crossroads. It’s subtle, it’s sly, it’s a sickening but we all know it to some extent, because it’s us. There is this weakness, this cloak we decide to put on, suppressing our very instincts which led us to do what we did, suppressing our conclusions which we made when we committed those deeds, it’s like a pitch black patch of cloud coming to take over our current sense of self and its own hopes and dreams, it’s aspirations and its view of life, all under the guise of “embrace change”, that’s probably THE lie we tell to ourselves as the most convincing excuse which our true self can swallow and digest, to relinquish the pain which that saliva intake results in, the pain which is now imprinted in our minds for the rest of our lives until we hopefully resolve them or just make peace with. This state is so saddening to the self, the weakness and powerlessness felt, some grey corner still screaming in its dying and fading voice to not to compromise, to not to surrender but to fight, fight the conditioning that now converted your indomitable human spirit to a compromising addict of regular animal patterns. As pitiful as it is, it’s forever hard to describe in words, the feeling of loosing a part of your soul and trying to fill it with some measly wasteful and meaningless reward that the compromise will bring, without much hope for a future without this process ever not occuring again, without the hope that you’ll never be free to be free again, that now it’s all compromise hereon and it’s your duty to scavenge for any genuine happiness this all brings as you move ahead and go on and age with time. Knowing fully well that your look for meaning on the outside will only intensify once this pathetic process begins, and that you’ll somewhere worship false ideals with great pretentious spirit, the highly conditioned spirit that will discard these words for fake debauchery and utter nonsense. Probably this is how it has always been for humankind, we’re just in a different time under different rules, or maybe what the faithfuls have thought of, of the kingdom of heaven, of the Kingdom of God, which we have to our lives as, is right. Wish so badly that it is true, but who knows now, Götterdamerung is all but a fantasy we say, moksh and nirvana and satori are all but a bluff they say. But if we are not to be focused on examining, dissecting and concluding from these very thoughts I talked about above, then what else is a viable significator of our human spirit being alive? Donating to charities you say? Feeding stray dogs you say? Nah that all is just a purple candy from the sack of “ rewards of excuses” which we take to get that excuse upon ourselves. I’m probably not able to get my point across in a viable and explicit manner, fuck me, and my polluted attention span and possible ADHD, but I just hope that this anguish and the repentance to come is conveyed in some manner. This somewhat heart wrenching and soul crushing piece of reality is what plagues my.mind, for all this time lost, all this spirit destroyed, all the while my inner self being conscious of it, it what is truly pain inflicting at each and every conscious moment. Sigh.